Reflections on Abuse

by | Feb 26, 2015 | Marriage, Office, Parenting

It seems as though everywhere you turn, you see another example of the abuse, the manipulation, and the deceitfulness of power. In recent months I’ve encountered so many stories of abusive husbands, fathers, pastors, and politicians that I’ve been left reeling.

One common feature in these stories is how slow people are to do something about it. It’s pretty easy to see the pattern: other people see the problem, but they are slow to do anything because they wonder “Am I just over-reacting?” “No one else seems to think that this is a problem.” “And when I look at myself, I face the same temptations — on a bad day, maybe I would do that too…”

And so we say nothing. We do nothing. We even think that we are being charitable — “showing grace” to someone, like we would want someone to show grace to us, right?

Except for one thing.

What about the people who are suffering under the abuse? Who will speak on behalf of the poor? Who will speak up for the oppressed? They are often so deceived that they don’t even realize that they are oppressed! How often does the abused wife defend her husband? How often do they say, “Oh, but I deserved it — I was in the wrong, after all!”

Part of the manipulation and deceitfulness of the abuse of power is that it is based on a half-truth: since we are sinners, we all “deserve” bad things. So when the abuser says, “It’s because of what you did,” it is really easy for us to believe him.

At this point, every single husband among you should be saying, “I’ve done this to my wife!” Every parent should say, “I’ve done this to my child.” Every pastor and elder should say, “I’ve done this to my flock.”

And this, my friends, is why we are paralyzed when we face abuse in others. We hear the words, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,” and so we do not dare to bring an accusation. After all, on a bad day, it could have been me…

So how do you know when to speak up? I will give an answer that I have failed to practice myself — partly in order to encourage myself to heed my own words! You always speak up. Obviously, you cannot speak into every situation of abuse in the world. So when I say “always” I mean, in every case where you have the opportunity to speak.

If you see someone who is abusing authority, then you should speak the truth in love, and show him his fault. If he is a wise man, he will love you for it (Proverbs 9). If he is a fool, he will hate you, and the result will probably be ugly — but at least there will be an opportunity for his folly to be unmasked. It can be as simple as asking a question, “Why did you say X to your wife?” “Can you explain why you did Y with your children?” You don’t have to take a “adversarial” approach. After all, you are doing this because you love him (or her). You want him to grow in wisdom. If you speak with the voice of the Good Shepherd, then ordinarily the sheep will hear His voice.

But what if they don’t? Well, that’s why Jesus gave us a way of handling such matters. If they refuse to listen — if they don’t repent — then you take one or two others and try again. If he won’t listen to them, then you tell it to the church (Matt. 19) — you bring a charge to the elders.

And then there are the hard cases. Several years ago a friend told me of a girl who accused her step-father of sexually abusing her. There was only one witness (the girl), and the man denied it. There was no other evidence. The elders believed the girl (and encouraged her mother to divorce the man), but how could they proceed with an ecclesiastical trial? They took seriously the saying, “Where there is smoke, there is fire,” and conducted a thorough investigation. It was highly unlikely that a man would molest his step-daughter once and never do anything else improper. Sure enough. They found other things that had sufficient witnesses. Maybe they could not convict him of the one thing that he denied — but they could assure the girl that (as far as the church was concerned) he would no longer be able to prey upon the weak. [And the church cooperated with a civil investigation that put the man in prison.]

If we do not speak on behalf of the weak, then the powerful will continue to oppress them. And if we do not gently confront the little “slippages” (as we call them!) among ourselves, then we will become oppressors in our turn.

And this is why we need to continually listen to the voice of the Good Shepherd ourselves. In a world that is overrun by words that bite and devour, we need to listen to the Word who became flesh and dwelt among us.

“This Can’t End Well” — a Wedding Homily

by | May 14, 2014 | Marriage

A Wedding Homily by Peter J. Wallace

[Note: This was my homily for the wedding of Christopher and Shelby Aemmer last Saturday. I don’t think I’ve ever heard so many people laughing at one of my sermons — but then again, you also need to read the homily in the light of the fact that the groom was visibly shaking for the first part of the service. I think the opening line broke the tension and allowed everyone to ease up a bit!]

This isn’t going to end well.

Carl Trueman points out that “All human marriages begin with joy but end in tragedy. Whether it is divorce or death, the human bond of love is eventually torn apart.”

This isn’t going to end well. At its best, this marriage will last for 50-60 years, and then it will end in tragedy. At least one of you will be heartbroken. Or, maybe you both die together in a car wreck — so at least you go together! If that’s the best you can hope for…

So why on earth are you standing here? Why on earth do you want to go through with this?

Why on earth? Well, there are earthly reasons for getting married. Marriage was ordained for procreation. God said, “be fruitful and multiply,” which means, “Go have babies”! After the fall, marriage provides a remedy against fornication, and provides mutual help and comfort. These are good things.

It’s why everyone gets all dressed up for the wedding! The beauty of the surrounding assembly all points to the glorious radiance of the bride, and the splendor of the groom! The public splendor of this moment is designed to prefigure the private splendor that comes later. And yes, the physical intimacy of love-making is delightful! And those little critters that pop out 9 months later are delightful in an entirely different sense!

These are still good earthly reasons for getting married. But even so, this marriage is heading for a tragic end – where one or both of you ends up heartbroken! So let us consider the heavenly reason why you would get married.

After all, while “all human marriages begin with joy but end in tragedy…The marriage of Christ and his church…began with tragedy and ends with a joyful and loving union which will never be rent asunder. There is joy to which we point in our worship, the joy of the Lamb’s wedding feast.” (Carl Trueman) This is why we say that marriage “signifies to us the mystical union between Christ and his Church.”

If you think of marriage as primarily about your own happiness – primarily about your own comfort – then all you will find is disappointment and death. But if you think of marriage as primarily about the other – so that you seek the good of one another – then you will still find disappointment and death!

Because, Shelby, this guy will disappoint you more than anyone ever has! And, Christopher, she’s going to fail you like you wouldn’t believe! You two are going to sin against each over and over again! You are going to be miserable! And then you’re gonna die. So why are you here? Oh, that’s right! Because marriage isn’t primarily about your own happiness – or about the other’s happiness.

Marriage is about Jesus.

Marriage signifies to us the mystical union between Christ and his Church – a marriage that began with tragedy, and ends with glory.

This is why marriage must always involve bearing the cross. Chris, why do you love Shelby? Don’t say, “Because she’s so lovable!”     because there are days when she’s not lovable. You love Shelby because Christ loved you and he died so that you might live. Marriage is all about the gospel. If your love depends on her performance, that’s a marriage based on works, not grace. And likewise, Shelby, if you only give yourself to Christopher because he’s such a charming fellow, well, he’s not always quite so charming! A marriage based on the gospel keeps your eyes fixed on Jesus.

And when you forget the gospel, when you sin against each other, repent! Forgive! As God, in Christ, has forgiven you.

But I don’t want to forgive! What she did was wrong! What he did hurts!

A marriage fixated on law – a marriage fixated on rights – will become a wasteland, where the two of you are clinging desperately to a me-centered universe of one!

So what do you do? Love God. Love one another. Repent, and believe the gospel. That sounds simple. It is simple. It’s not easy – love is the hardest thing in the world! – but a gospel-centered marriage, a gospel-centered life, is simple.

It just means have the same mind that was in Christ Jesus – that mind that is yours in Christ Jesus – “who though he was in the form of God, did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” (Phil 2:6-11)

 

 

Millbank on the Gay Marriage Debate

by | May 12, 2013 | Marriage, Pastoral Notes

John Milbank always has interesting things to say on ethics and religion. Here is his latest on the gay marriage discussion in Britain.

http://www.abc.net.au/religion/articles/2013/04/23/3743531.htm

He suggests that the push for gay marriage is really “a strategic move in the modern state’s drive to assume direct control over the reproduction of the population, bypassing our interpersonal encounters. This is not about natural justice, but the desire on the part of biopolitical tyranny to destroy marriage and the family as the most fundamental mediating social institution.”

He argues that “Heterosexual exchange and reproduction has always been the very “grammar” of social relating as such. The abandonment of this grammar would thus imply a society no longer primarily constituted by extended kinship, but rather by state control and merely monetary exchange and reproduction.”

He concludes that “a gay relationship cannot qualify as a marriage in terms of its orientation to having children, because the link between an interpersonal and a natural act is entirely crucial to the definition and character of marriage.” 

 

Feminism and Patriarchy

by | Dec 2, 2012 | Marriage, Pastoral Notes

I find it immensely useful to read feminist critiques of patriarchy as a means of reminding me of my own sinful tendencies. After all, too often the critique is accurate! Consider this quote from Allan Johnson’s “The Gender Knot”:

“When men’s reflection is obscured by the reality and demands of women’s own lives, men are vulnerable to feeling left out and neglected. Like cold-blooded animals that generate little heat of their own, this dynamic makes it hard for men to feel warm unless the light is shining on them at the moment, something well-known to women who spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about whether they’re paying enough attention to their male partners, about whether they should be sitting quietly and reading a book or spending time with women friends when they could be with the men in their lives. It is a worry few men wrestle with unless women complain.” (p12-13)

If our “patriarchy” is rooted in a heavenly Father’s love and concern for his children, then we should be far more “warm-blooded” than this! If our meaning and purpose is found in Christ, the one who humbled himself to bear our sin and guilt, then our presence should warm and encourage others.

Certainly the feminist critique of modern American patriarchy has a lot of accurate points. No Christian should endorse the sort of social system that encourages the sexual objectification of women and the cold-blooded male who exists for his own glory. When humility becomes the central focus of masculinity, then we will see a patriarchy worthy of the name.

We Are Created to Be More Than This

by | Oct 8, 2012 | Ginger Wallace, Marriage, Parenting, Pastoral Notes, Women, Women's Ministry

by Virginia Wallace

I said yes. Because it seemed like the right thing to do. I am not the leader-type – but I am also not the type that likes to be told how to raise my kids – or how I am not raising my kids – or respecting my husband, or whatever the thing is that everyone else thinks that I should do.

This is why I said ‘yes.’ Because I thought it was what I was supposed to do – even though my first thought was – NO – this is not what I do. In fact, going to China with my husband is not what I do, not when it means leaving my children behind. God made me a woman. This much is obvious. God also made me a wife – this too is quite clear. He also made me a mother. And here I want to stop. This seems like it should be enough for me to handle. And if I think about it and be realistic  – this is all I can handle – though I can’t even handle this on my own.

So, why am I HERE? Because God created us to be more than this. He created us to need each other – to bear one another’s burdens, to build up one another towards faith and good works – to show forth his glory to all men. To show hospitality to the stranger, to care for those afflicted – to wash the feet of the saints.

1 Timothy 5:9-10 gives us good insight in this way, to show us what we should have been. It’s kind of a look backward:

“Let a widow be enrolled if she is not less than sixty years of age, having been the wife of one husband, having a reputation for good works, if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, has devoted herself to every good work.”

This is what we are called to be now:

a wife, known for good works

a mother, opening her home to strangers

a servant, caring for those in need.

What does this look like right now? Will it look different next year? When my youngest is five?

Yes. It will look differently at each stage or season of your life. If you have young children and are trying to just figure out how to get enough sleep much less show hospitality or do good works, or care for the less fortunate – this can look overwhelming!

But think about it in less grand terms:

Hospitality (which means ‘love of strangers’): you take your little ones to the playground – then meet someone and invite them to come in your home for a meal or snack – or tea!

Good works: I offer to babysit (which is actually like a playdate for my kids) while a friend runs to get groceries/run an errand. I make double the amount of supper to give a friend a meal on a rough day.

Washed the feet of the saints? This could mean a nice pedicure – or if you think about the principle behind this practice, it could mean something as simple as folding her clean laundry while you chat, or it could mean working to love her as she likes to be loved (speaking in a way that shows you care about her – not yourself [and giving a pedicure is not out of the question!!]).

Caring for the Afflicted: visiting those in the hospital, cleaning the bathroom for someone who has just had a baby. Sometimes this may mean letting your neighbor’s kids into your home and ministering to them – showing them what a family of God looks like.

Think of Proverbs 31. This woman was not just taking care of her own husband and kids. She had servants and they had kids (husbands), there were people that she looked after because it was her responsibility. She didn’t do everything herself – she managed everything! What did her children learn from this? Did they learn how to serve and love others? Did they practice this?

This woman is a glory to her husband – she is his GLORY!

She was his glory because of her heart attitude while she was his wife, while she mothered his children, while she gave hospitality, while she washed the feet of the saints, while she cared for the afflicted.

What is your heart attitude? Whose glory are you seeking?

We are Christ’s bride – and so must seek to be HIS Glory – He has washed and cleansed us – He has clothed us with His own beautiful Glory – and we shine!

Ezekiel 16 talks about God’s amazing mercy to His unfaithful bride – how she was an unwanted babe, left on the hillside to die – her cord was not even cut, she was not cleaned, nor loved.

But God said to her, Live! And he made her flourish and grow into a young woman – she became his bride. He clothed her in fine linen and jewels. She ate only the best food, she grew beautiful. Verse 14 says, “And your renown went among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the LORD.”

God’s glory – she was His Glory.

But she wanted her own glory, her own pleasure, her own renown. The rest of the chapter tells in great detail of her faithlessness – how she sought after any and all other men (idols) – how she was a princess – and now was a porn star.

We cannot read this chapter and not be utterly disgusted with how awful our sin is to God, and yet how merciful He is when we repent and seek His Glory – and not our own.

We are glory seekers. But we are flawed by the effects of sin and we seek our own glory instead of God’s.

We need to ask the question: Whose glory am I seeking?

One way I find helpful is: How am I loving God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength right now? How am I loving my neighbor as myself right now?

[This talk was given to a women’s gathering in East Asia in the fall of 2012]