Reflections on Abuse

by | Feb 26, 2015 | Marriage, Office, Parenting

It seems as though everywhere you turn, you see another example of the abuse, the manipulation, and the deceitfulness of power. In recent months I’ve encountered so many stories of abusive husbands, fathers, pastors, and politicians that I’ve been left reeling.

One common feature in these stories is how slow people are to do something about it. It’s pretty easy to see the pattern: other people see the problem, but they are slow to do anything because they wonder “Am I just over-reacting?” “No one else seems to think that this is a problem.” “And when I look at myself, I face the same temptations — on a bad day, maybe I would do that too…”

And so we say nothing. We do nothing. We even think that we are being charitable — “showing grace” to someone, like we would want someone to show grace to us, right?

Except for one thing.

What about the people who are suffering under the abuse? Who will speak on behalf of the poor? Who will speak up for the oppressed? They are often so deceived that they don’t even realize that they are oppressed! How often does the abused wife defend her husband? How often do they say, “Oh, but I deserved it — I was in the wrong, after all!”

Part of the manipulation and deceitfulness of the abuse of power is that it is based on a half-truth: since we are sinners, we all “deserve” bad things. So when the abuser says, “It’s because of what you did,” it is really easy for us to believe him.

At this point, every single husband among you should be saying, “I’ve done this to my wife!” Every parent should say, “I’ve done this to my child.” Every pastor and elder should say, “I’ve done this to my flock.”

And this, my friends, is why we are paralyzed when we face abuse in others. We hear the words, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,” and so we do not dare to bring an accusation. After all, on a bad day, it could have been me…

So how do you know when to speak up? I will give an answer that I have failed to practice myself — partly in order to encourage myself to heed my own words! You always speak up. Obviously, you cannot speak into every situation of abuse in the world. So when I say “always” I mean, in every case where you have the opportunity to speak.

If you see someone who is abusing authority, then you should speak the truth in love, and show him his fault. If he is a wise man, he will love you for it (Proverbs 9). If he is a fool, he will hate you, and the result will probably be ugly — but at least there will be an opportunity for his folly to be unmasked. It can be as simple as asking a question, “Why did you say X to your wife?” “Can you explain why you did Y with your children?” You don’t have to take a “adversarial” approach. After all, you are doing this because you love him (or her). You want him to grow in wisdom. If you speak with the voice of the Good Shepherd, then ordinarily the sheep will hear His voice.

But what if they don’t? Well, that’s why Jesus gave us a way of handling such matters. If they refuse to listen — if they don’t repent — then you take one or two others and try again. If he won’t listen to them, then you tell it to the church (Matt. 19) — you bring a charge to the elders.

And then there are the hard cases. Several years ago a friend told me of a girl who accused her step-father of sexually abusing her. There was only one witness (the girl), and the man denied it. There was no other evidence. The elders believed the girl (and encouraged her mother to divorce the man), but how could they proceed with an ecclesiastical trial? They took seriously the saying, “Where there is smoke, there is fire,” and conducted a thorough investigation. It was highly unlikely that a man would molest his step-daughter once and never do anything else improper. Sure enough. They found other things that had sufficient witnesses. Maybe they could not convict him of the one thing that he denied — but they could assure the girl that (as far as the church was concerned) he would no longer be able to prey upon the weak. [And the church cooperated with a civil investigation that put the man in prison.]

If we do not speak on behalf of the weak, then the powerful will continue to oppress them. And if we do not gently confront the little “slippages” (as we call them!) among ourselves, then we will become oppressors in our turn.

And this is why we need to continually listen to the voice of the Good Shepherd ourselves. In a world that is overrun by words that bite and devour, we need to listen to the Word who became flesh and dwelt among us.

Satanic Parenting

by | Nov 4, 2013 | Parenting

I have been convinced for quite some time of the importance of gospel-centered parenting — namely, that what my children need most is *not* a heavy dose of the law, but the regular and steady encouragement of the gospel. One of the great “ah-ha” moments came last spring when I was at my wits end with one of my children, and I was about to launch into one of those regrettable “you’re going to lose every privilege known to man” speeches — when God gave me just enough grace to ask, “So what are you thinking about all this?” (possibly even in a gracious tone!). The result was that I discovered that my child was far more disgusted with sin than I had realized — at which point it dawned on me (again) that what my children need is the gospel — the good news that Jesus has done what we could not possibly have done for ourselves.

Our tendency is to relapse towards the law — a standard that neither we nor our fathers have been able to bear, yet for some strange reason we seem to think that our children can succeed where Adam and Israel and David all failed. Do we obey God the first time? Yet we expect “first-time obedience” from our children! Do we get everything done on time the way it is “supposed” to be done? Yet woe to the child who falls short of our standards!

Now, it is true that God expects obedience of us — and we should expect obedience of our children. God’s standard has never changed. God never says “Oh, it’s okay to sin — I don’t mind if you mess up here and there!” No!! God says that sin is repugnant to him and he calls us to be holy as he is holy. Sin is not okay. But when we fall short, God does not say, “you’re going to lose every privilege known to man!” Rather, when we fell short, God sent his Son to die for us — to “lose every privilege known to man” — so that we might be restored to God’s favor.

So who says, “You’re going to lose every privilege known to man?” That would be the accuser — the adversary. Adversarial parenting — law-centered parenting — is fundamentally Satanic. Satan is the one who accuses us of falling short — who says that we are not good enough — who constantly reminds us of how we fail. And when we as parents take an adversarial approach to our children, we are imitating him.

Gospel-centered parenting (like gospel-centered marriage and gospel-centered life!) does not say that sin is okay. Far from it! Gospel-centered parenting says that sin is so awful that God had to send his Son to pay the penalty for sin. And so therefore my children and I both need Jesus — and so we repent, and we forgive, and we rejoice that we are no longer slaves to sin and death, and then we try again to love God and love one another and grow together in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

We Are Created to Be More Than This

by | Oct 8, 2012 | Ginger Wallace, Marriage, Parenting, Pastoral Notes, Women, Women's Ministry

by Virginia Wallace

I said yes. Because it seemed like the right thing to do. I am not the leader-type – but I am also not the type that likes to be told how to raise my kids – or how I am not raising my kids – or respecting my husband, or whatever the thing is that everyone else thinks that I should do.

This is why I said ‘yes.’ Because I thought it was what I was supposed to do – even though my first thought was – NO – this is not what I do. In fact, going to China with my husband is not what I do, not when it means leaving my children behind. God made me a woman. This much is obvious. God also made me a wife – this too is quite clear. He also made me a mother. And here I want to stop. This seems like it should be enough for me to handle. And if I think about it and be realistic  – this is all I can handle – though I can’t even handle this on my own.

So, why am I HERE? Because God created us to be more than this. He created us to need each other – to bear one another’s burdens, to build up one another towards faith and good works – to show forth his glory to all men. To show hospitality to the stranger, to care for those afflicted – to wash the feet of the saints.

1 Timothy 5:9-10 gives us good insight in this way, to show us what we should have been. It’s kind of a look backward:

“Let a widow be enrolled if she is not less than sixty years of age, having been the wife of one husband, having a reputation for good works, if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, has devoted herself to every good work.”

This is what we are called to be now:

a wife, known for good works

a mother, opening her home to strangers

a servant, caring for those in need.

What does this look like right now? Will it look different next year? When my youngest is five?

Yes. It will look differently at each stage or season of your life. If you have young children and are trying to just figure out how to get enough sleep much less show hospitality or do good works, or care for the less fortunate – this can look overwhelming!

But think about it in less grand terms:

Hospitality (which means ‘love of strangers’): you take your little ones to the playground – then meet someone and invite them to come in your home for a meal or snack – or tea!

Good works: I offer to babysit (which is actually like a playdate for my kids) while a friend runs to get groceries/run an errand. I make double the amount of supper to give a friend a meal on a rough day.

Washed the feet of the saints? This could mean a nice pedicure – or if you think about the principle behind this practice, it could mean something as simple as folding her clean laundry while you chat, or it could mean working to love her as she likes to be loved (speaking in a way that shows you care about her – not yourself [and giving a pedicure is not out of the question!!]).

Caring for the Afflicted: visiting those in the hospital, cleaning the bathroom for someone who has just had a baby. Sometimes this may mean letting your neighbor’s kids into your home and ministering to them – showing them what a family of God looks like.

Think of Proverbs 31. This woman was not just taking care of her own husband and kids. She had servants and they had kids (husbands), there were people that she looked after because it was her responsibility. She didn’t do everything herself – she managed everything! What did her children learn from this? Did they learn how to serve and love others? Did they practice this?

This woman is a glory to her husband – she is his GLORY!

She was his glory because of her heart attitude while she was his wife, while she mothered his children, while she gave hospitality, while she washed the feet of the saints, while she cared for the afflicted.

What is your heart attitude? Whose glory are you seeking?

We are Christ’s bride – and so must seek to be HIS Glory – He has washed and cleansed us – He has clothed us with His own beautiful Glory – and we shine!

Ezekiel 16 talks about God’s amazing mercy to His unfaithful bride – how she was an unwanted babe, left on the hillside to die – her cord was not even cut, she was not cleaned, nor loved.

But God said to her, Live! And he made her flourish and grow into a young woman – she became his bride. He clothed her in fine linen and jewels. She ate only the best food, she grew beautiful. Verse 14 says, “And your renown went among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the LORD.”

God’s glory – she was His Glory.

But she wanted her own glory, her own pleasure, her own renown. The rest of the chapter tells in great detail of her faithlessness – how she sought after any and all other men (idols) – how she was a princess – and now was a porn star.

We cannot read this chapter and not be utterly disgusted with how awful our sin is to God, and yet how merciful He is when we repent and seek His Glory – and not our own.

We are glory seekers. But we are flawed by the effects of sin and we seek our own glory instead of God’s.

We need to ask the question: Whose glory am I seeking?

One way I find helpful is: How am I loving God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength right now? How am I loving my neighbor as myself right now?

[This talk was given to a women’s gathering in East Asia in the fall of 2012]

What Do You Really Want?

by | Jan 22, 2012 | Parenting, Pastoral Notes

On Monday, after a romp in the snow, the children fixed hot chocolate. Wee Pete demanded that his brothers give him “the red cup,” and threw a fit when they tried to give him a different cup. I’ve been trying to help Peter understand how “sin makes you stupid” (thanks, Mark, for that splendid line), so I intervened. After disciplining him for throwing a fit, I went to the kitchen and surreptitiously emptied the red cup, then took it back and handed it to Peter. As he saw me coming, he had this big grin on his face (“Daddy is giving me what I want!! I am the center of the universe!”), but when he looked into the cup, and saw only a few drops of hot chocolate, his face fell.

He looked up at me, somewhat puzzled. I smiled at him:
“You said you wanted the red cup. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
He looked back down at the empty cup. I could see that he wasn’t sure how to answer. He did want the red cup — but not this way! He wanted a red cup full of warm, sweet, chocolate goodness!

I knelt beside him and said, “There’s a big difference between wanting a cup, and wanting something in the cup! Why don’t you go to your brother and ask him to forgive you for being selfish — and then ask him for some hot chocolate in any cup he wishes to give you.”

Robert, of course, had seen all of this, and so when the little guy reached the kitchen, he quickly forgave him, and then filled the red cup with chocolate (“I had already started drinking out of the other cup,” he explained).

Heavenly Father, grant us wisdom to seek first the kingdom of your Son — trusting that you will provide for all of our daily needs. Forgive us for lack of faith, and our persistent demands that you do things our way. Grant us the humility to trust that your way is best, and then grant us the wisdom and strength to walk in your way, denying ourselves, taking up our crosses, and following Jesus. Amen.